A Poem for Christmas, by Meg Davis

YAM LIFE’s A GAS 2016

Good evening and welcome to this evening of yours
A starter a main and a pudding of course
Now you have eaten, we had a short intermission
We drew the raffle, and I’m on a commission.
A few short speeches a few brief thanks
Then onto the dance floor to show us your prance.

A ride out took place to warm up some pies
To Yeadon Tarn to my surprise
All went well till they lit up the stove
Then it exploded and for cover they dove
They tried to put out the fire in turns
You can’t make it up; I blame Tony Burns

Anne Dufton, in Otley, at a junction
Kev needed to stop; his only function
She looked to the left and then to the right
He rammed her behind with all his might
He said he was sorry for all this crap, and,
Chicks n bikes “should never have happened

It isn’t my place to offer my gratitude
But I will let you endure my latest platitudes.
As I relay a few tales of our leader 
And then let him resign the lazy bleeder.

This man to which I refer 
Has worked very hard and would never deter
From giving his all to our wonderful club
Instead of lazing around and giving YAM the snub
I need to remind him of the years that have passed
Some of these tales will leave you aghast

As an observer you ensure associates give their all
When this doesn’t happen it’s the observers call
to hasten their charge and move them along
to encourage or chaste them or bang on the gong.
John thought that as the road is his school
He would cajole his prey and show him how cool
It would be to move his bike very fast 
And decided to ram him, right up the arse
The blood that was spilt needed only a transfusion
But it’s the paperwork that causes all the confusion.

Forward observation is not his only issue 
after filling the bike with oil you use a plug and not tissue
The road was dripping and so was his tyre
The consequences they could have been dire
These events, they couldn’t be rarer
But we only let him ride when he has a carer.

John hosts a meeting at his humble abode
Invited the committee, and in they all strode.
They all sit around for their deliberations
Good food is supplied for these special occasions
A burger, a quiche and all types of cheeses
Glynn sat on a chair and he smashed it to pieces
To John’s dismay, it was his pride and joy
The ladies just laughed as they pulled at the boy
They changed Glynn’s name to little Jack Horner
And now make him eat stood up in the corner.

The best story I have saved till last
I think that it’s funny, it is quite a blast.

John borrowed a bike to go on a ride
I don’t know who led 
But he does need a guide
He didn’t seem happy with how the bike handled and said as much to his friends
“It seems ok in a straight line but it’s terrible on bends”
The debacle it ended when they reached the caf’
His carer and guide they started to laugh
When they pointed out that his issue lay 
Not with the bike but, to John’s dismay
They all looked down at the bikes headstock
And firmly in place was the steering lock

POWDER checks can be carried out but they don’t cover it all
The acronym would be so long, off the page it would fall 
Petrol oil water, drive electrics and rubber
Mirror signal manoeuvre, the steering lock, bugger. 
John rides better than most, you all know this.
But if you make a mistake we will all take the piss.

Our thanks to John for the time he has given
For the club and his friends he has always striven
To teach them how to ride to the rule
When he is aboard his two wheeled school
I know that we wish him and Jan the best
As they travel down south to be with the family with whom they are blessed.
This is one of those special occasions
When I ask you to rise for a standing ovation

The next time we meet will be in the spring
The AGM meeting, that annual thing:
When all the committee will stand down as one
And El Presidente will ask who will come.
To run this club, for you and for others
Who will come forward, who can be bothered.
We always need members to help organise
Some rides with team 5 or to order supplies.
To attend the meetings which are essential.
And to promote our club with the best of intentions:

As we now know John is standing standing down
And we need a replacement to carry the crown.
Someone to stand up and hand out the prizes
You’ll wear different hats for your different guises
As chairman you lead the required meetings
For complaints and moans you listen to bleating’s.
For the failures of tests tell them it’s hell on earth 
Then blame the Chief observer, that’s Mike Elsworth.

My thanks to you all for attending this show
I’ve enjoyed my evening and there’s much more to go.
John had an address that went on for ages
But you’ve nothing to fear because I stole half his pages.

To the front I call John, nay I even beseech,
To give his finale, his final speech
His final lesson is ridden he will no longer teach:
But his time in charge it had to pass
But he assures me, YAM Life’s a gas.